It’s a tiring thing to be at war with yourself.
To be chasing around a maze and running into trapdoors at each corner, finding each time- it was simply a mirror. You are the villain. Every. single. time. You were the one behind your problems all this time (Cue Agatha all along - is this too much of a niche reference? 😂)
It is a cruel punishment- one part of you ready to be seen, yet a wounded one inside you so afraid and so familiar with hiding. To desire love yet feel so unworthy inside.
It is a gift- the awareness that we can access different levels of consciousness through which we can experience the same thing in very different ways. The same situation can look very different through the eyes of fear, love, trust, scarcity, openness.
It is a gift to be aware that we are not just who we are now, but also all our unresolved past versions of us, stacked on top of each other, all seeking to be witnessed and experienced. And we are also beyond all of that.
It is exhausting. It is insane yet ‘normal’. I’ve been at war with myself, and everything within that is programmed to uphold their viewpoint- over simply experiencing reality as it is. There is the journey of releasing what is stuck/wounded within… the exhilaration and the relief you feel on the other side of a mindset shift, an emotional release, an energetic movement. So much growth and expansion. So much lighter, so much more spacious.
Then there is also realising fuuuuuckkkk, when does this end!!?? All I want is to see reality for what it is, no filter or viewpoint added to perceive it in a twisted way. I want REAL- just as it is. Why is this like asking for something impossible!? I know its possible! Fuck, as long as I am in this human identity, I can’t do it. My mind literally exists to protect itself and the ‘character’ it believes to be Gyan. Fuck!!
The predominant mechanism through which I exist in this reality- I am not a priority for it. A concept is at its core, not the truth. Double fuck!!!
So this sums up my inner experience for the past year.
But how do I escape me!? How do I get out of Gyan? I want to crawl out of me!! I want a different dream!!
I’ve found myself saying different versions of this over the last year. Like different stages of grief and anger and despair and surrendering and controlling all at once.
To realise that so much of the suffering is simply the relentless pursuit to keep the ‘concept’ alive about the character/persona/ego that is ‘Gyan’.
It’s been more of a painful discovery than the exciting, freeing realisation my mind thought it would be. The ‘awakening’ it was so wanting and heading towards and thought I would welcome it with open arms…turns out it is really a death. No more concepts. No more adding to the human.
Fuck, this is not what I signed up for! This is not the personal development journey I wanted to end up on. Like a creature being hunted, the character feeling watched and seen by awareness… it goes on overdrive trying to protect itself and magnifying every single pain point, every single fear it holds inside in a final bid to demonstrate its purpose. See, you need me!! This is who Gyan is, and if you take them away, everything collapses. You can’t do this! If you take this away, we can’t remain Gyan anymore. Without this identity, this existence is of someone else…someone else.
I’m dying…I’m dying…
30 years existing as Gyan…only to realise the beautiful human I fought so much and also poured so much love into, uncovering rubble after rubble, picking up all those versions of me and joining them together, letting go of all that was in the way…only to realise oh now we say goodbye… now that I’m putting you whole, I have to set ‘me’ free from you!? What kind of cruelty is this?
The space and the energy the concept takes up, something deeper emerging needs it. Something true. The essence. I no longer want just a few sips of it. I want to be submerged in it. I long to be with it, to become it. The true nature, I can’t quite put into words other than ‘peace’…’stillness’… it’s playing hide and seek. Glimpses of it revealing itself… but where did the reflection disappear?
I can’t deny the longing for it. I can’t hold this and the character together at the same time- at least not in the same way. Something has shifted and something more has to shift. It isn’t Gyan longing anymore so much. I longs for itself. It is not lost, it is simply seeking to remember. To not just know the wholeness, but feel it all, be it all. The separation feels too heavy, too painful.
I blamed Gyan for it. This guy.
“You are what stands between me and the truth.”
“I can’t be me with you still here.”
“You are what keeps me stuck, suffering.”
“I can’t hold you any longer. I can’t accept or release for you any longer.”
“You are not real…you are not real…”
A betrayal beyond measure. A war beyond words. A special kind of suffering to inflect upon myself. But I couldn’t see it. Past my frustration and grief and pain in feeling the weight of the separation, afraid of my own looming death…it’s been intense to say the very least.
Skip to present day… I feel I’m only starting to breathe again after holding it for months and months. There is so much I want to say about this journey…yet so much also doesn’t need to be said. So much clarity I feel I am getting, yet so much I don’t understand at all. My character really thought it came so far…these past 10 years of this ‘spiritual’ journey- I came so far! yet now I am only just starting…another layer of the journey only beginning.
The I is still unravelling, only just peeking its head.
The I in humble gratitude of Gyan.
This character carried I. Every single part of the journey- every single expression- good or bad- every single facet of the identity- each with the purpose of protecting the human. All of this, every choice, every setback. It all brought me here.
Love.
I exists, because Gyan loved himself. Believed that he was worth fighting for. Living for. Having the heart broken for, opening up for, dreaming for, desiring for, expanding for, suffering for.
All of it, every facet of duality, every experience this reality allows.
I see that it was all love. Of the deepest kind.
I saw that I can’t get to I by fighting the character of Gyan.
By punishing him, I punish God, truth, I.
By rejecting him, I reject peace, the very thing that is at the core of the true nature.
By failing to see who he is, just as he is… I fail to see who I am within him and therefore, beyond him.
As I write this, I hold me. I see this character/ego/identity was always just a conglomeration of younger versions of me trying their best to meet a need and keep us safe. That’s all. My 2 year old just wanted to be loved. My 5 year old just wanted to belong. My 11 year old just wanted to feel normal. My 15 year old just wanted to be special. Gyan was the answer to all of these needs, all of these dangers and all of these desires. That’s all. Not a monster I need to fight or destroy.
Love. It was always that. A lot of it misguided, sure. But earnest, yes.
I’m not quite sure if any of this makes sense or resonates…one thing for sure…everyone’s journey is different. I see that for me, it is ok for Gyan to be here a little longer…
It is ok if there are still things that tie him to this form. There is no rush. No race to win, no prize to achieve. I’m learning to find peace in co-existing. There are still unmet needs of the character, desires. Weights to let go of…new facets to discover and maybe even add…who knows? It feels ok to allow those for now. It is ok for me to be here. What a relief!
I did die, yet I am still alive. I continue to exist. Thank you.
What a relief.
So what’s next?
I really have no clue. I guess I’ve just got to keep following that stillness. Keep adjusting the seat of consciousness. Find more comfort in it.
In honour of Guru Purnima yesterday, here’s a little gratitude for what is revealing itself to be the true guru within. The illusion itself. The Maya. The Manas.
Who would have thought?
The identity/character for all that it is- thank you. You have been my Guru all along. Thank you for guiding me all along, carrying me throughout this journey. I stand here bowing my head, grateful for the guru you have been for me so far…
And I also stand here, ready to be the disciple once more… ready for a new teacher now…eager to be reborn…
Thank you Gyan. Here I am.
Thank you I. Here Gyan is.
Thank you life. What’s next?
Big hugs! Xx